DESERT ISLAND: so for a start I’m doomed. 

No food, no water, no interfest, just ‘A Day at the Races’ by Queen to listen to, while I slowly flame out. Okay.


We follow up on last night’s story of the bizarre escape by breakaway rogue musician, the 9th Earl. 

Pursuers have tracked him to a small, deserted island, but it appears the island is… gone?

Fortunately, CCTV is everywhere these days so we have been able to piece together everything that happened.

As soon as the intro of ‘Tie Your Mother Down’ booted into that wrenching A chord with the hammering C, the poor marooned fool forgot that he was indeed screwed.

The fluid and nutrient cost of the heavings and gyrations eluded him entirely. 

Initial forensic reports suggested it was the bone raking sound of his own toneless squawking along to ‘You and I’ that brought him briefly out from his reverie. 

After a more thorough investigation it was revealed that this event actually occurred at the end of ‘Drowse’ when it was time to flip the wax.

Some argue that hunger may have been triggered by those final words, “I’ll have my eggs poached for breakfast, I guess.” 

It is clear that for a time, he then attempted to eat various non vital parts of the turntable with very little success, possibly obsessing about poached eggs through most of, ‘Take my Breath Away.’

It is universally agreed that the 9th Earl crossed the threshold completely when they ‘”Bring out the Charge of the Love Brigade” in the ‘Millionaire Waltz,’ and from there kept cracking on through ‘Somebody to Love.’

Sarcology expert Dr Phlayle. R. Wetly’s careful analysis of the scene reveals a magnificent costume hallucination that continued without alteration or failure until at 0:56 seconds into ‘Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy’.

This is what Dr Wetly describes as ‘nude point’- “56 seconds into GOFLB, was the exact moment all of our test-subjects attained full nudity.”- Dr Phlayle.R. Wetly.

Having shed his glorious imaginary ensemble, the 9th Earl was left with no protection against the harsh elements and, as the end piano falls away in ‘Teo Torriate’, he lays down, devoid of all moisture.

The record ends and the island explodes.  BOOM!

Twitter: the 9th Earl (@theninthearl) / Twitter

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